Every day the yearning to a mother gets worse. I try not to think about it and keep myself super busy with school and work... but everytime I see a baby I am reminded again and again how badly I want to meet my own child. It's the craziest, most empty feeling in the world. At times I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode but thankfully through priesthood blessings, I have been able to keep my emotions somewhat in check.
Next step is to go to a super expensive specialist at the Women's center and dip into our savings. So what if we have to wait a little longer to buy a house... if it means bringing a child into our life, right?
We have an appt. on October 1st with the best specialist in northern Utah (so I have heard anyway). Hopefully he can help us figure out what to do. Hopefully he can at least point us in the right direction. Otherwise, I just may punch a hole in the wall. (Ok, not really...)
I read a quote by Mother Teresa the other day that for some reason I really related to. She said "I know God doesn't give me problems I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much sometimes". I think we have all felt that way from time to time.
We are going to the temple Saturday and I can hardly wait. I feel so much peace while I am there... that is one place where I feel real hope. Thank goodness I have the gospel.. and a wonderful husband. I constantly am amazed at how patient, sweet and kind he is to me because it has been a roller-coaster of emotions this past year and a half of trying to concieve.
I know someday I will look back on this whole experience and be grateful for it. I know Heavenly Father is teaching me a great lesson through all of this and I will be blessed for waiting. I am just anxious for that time to come.
6 comments:
Here, I have an idea ... I have a roommate that I am pratically raising. I will send her over to your apartment. It will be like a child of your own!!! (Just jokes. You know I heart my roommates.) :D
Girl time needed for sure. Soon. Please.
I am sorry to hear about your hard week. It reminds me of a post my sister wrote a couple days ago who is also going through a hard time. You should check it out. Her blog is pagesandmaps.blogspot.com and i think it is the most recent one. Anyways, you'll know when you see it
i know it hurts!!! i don't know what else to say but that. love you cuz.
Sorry to intrude, I came across your blog by accident (I typed something in wrong). I felt prompted to leave a comment. I too struggle with infertility. My husband and I hit the two year mark of trying to conceive this summer. None of our fertility procedures have worked. People often ask me for advice and I never know what to say. Here's what has helped me. Go to the temple as often as you can, I always feel peace there. Utilize priesthood blessings. Serve faithfully in your calling. Peace comes inch by inch, day by day. Some days are good some days are bad. Share your story. Maybe you have this trial because you are meant to help someone else going through the same thing. I can't count the number of times I have given up and felt so hopeless. But it does get easier. Know that you will be a better mother for having gone through this. You will never take your child for granted. In all my prayers I ask my Heavenly Father to grant comfort and guidance to those struggling to have a child. God loves you and will send the spirit to be your constant companion. On another note, it is totally worth the money to go to a fertility specialist. Do not go to an OBGYN who happens to do infertility on the side. Ask questions and don't be afraid to follow your gut. I wish you the best and just know that there are others out there going through the same thing. Again, I'm sorry to intrude, but I just felt I had to leave a comment. Best wishes!
Sorry to intrude, I came across your blog by accident (I typed something in wrong). I felt prompted to leave a comment. I too struggle with infertility. My husband and I hit the two year mark of trying to conceive this summer. None of our fertility procedures have worked. People often ask me for advice and I never know what to say. Here's what has helped me. Go to the temple as often as you can, I always feel peace there. Utilize priesthood blessings. Serve faithfully in your calling. Peace comes inch by inch, day by day. Some days are good some days are bad. Share your story. Maybe you have this trial because you are meant to help someone else going through the same thing. I can't count the number of times I have given up and felt so hopeless. But it does get easier. Know that you will be a better mother for having gone through this. You will never take your child for granted. In all my prayers I ask my Heavenly Father to grant comfort and guidance to those struggling to have a child. God loves you and will send the spirit to be your constant companion. On another note, it is totally worth the money to go to a fertility specialist. Do not go to an OBGYN who happens to do infertility on the side. Ask questions and don't be afraid to follow your gut. I wish you the best and just know that there are others out there going through the same thing. Again, I'm sorry to intrude, but I just felt I had to leave a comment. Best wishes!
Hi Cami. I peeked at your blog and felt inspired to write this. It took us almost 4 years to get pregnant. I had a near death scare due to pulmonary embolisms, blood clots in the lungs. After which, I was told we had 5-10% chance of ever conceiving. That was back in 2005. We did fertility drugs off and on. I finally switched doctors, he wasn't doing enough for me. I struggled and struggled and struggled. I would bawl when I'd find out someone was pregnant. It was by far the hardest thing that I'd ever gone through. Through those horrid trials, came a very strong testimony of fasting. We were "trying", been given a "schedule" from the doctor and my husband felt inspired to ask our families to do a special fast. We did the special fast and we got pregnant. My 10 year old niece came up to me a week after the fast, and said, Aunt Kristi, I fasted for you, I want you to have a baby. It was so cute and precious the faith that my little niece had. You could just see it on her face.
I'd told my husband and myself, that if we didn't get pregnant this time, I was finished trying. I was so tired of the negative results. I knew that I couldn't take it anymore, emotionally or mentally it was wearing on me. I guess my advice is just keep having faith. Your time will come.... when its supposed to. That saying helped me get through 4 years of trying.
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