Looking back

As mother's day is fast approaching I have so many mixed feelings about it. I am feeling anticipation for celebrating that I am finally a mother. 

Finally have that sweet baby that was meant for Geoff and I. Feeling gratitude that I am experiencing the greatest calling I will ever have. 

Pure joy, from sweet little Payton and the happiness he has added to our lives.

Yet, I have an emptiness in my heart for those that are still struggling with becoming a mother. My heart is breaking for those who have a desire yet do not have the means to have such a blessing yet.

For those who have yet to be married. Those who have yet to become pregnant. 

For those who may be waiting to adopt.

 Whatever the case, this holiday will always be bitter-sweet to me. I will always remember the pain & sorrow that you feel when you have such a righteous desire and do all in your power to reach and obtain that goal... and to feel so helpless and completely not in control.

Someone very close to me is going through exactly what Geoff and I experienced in becoming parents. It is so hard to watch her go through the motions of it all.

 It has brought back a lot of painful memories for me. 

Yet, in those moments speaking with this dear friend, I am so grateful I can show true empathy for her and to extend advise that nobody else could give unless they have been where I have been. 

Mostly, I am so completely grateful for the gospel.  It is cliche to say, but I really do not know where I would be without that guiding influence in my life.

This talk by Elder Uchtdorf is one that got me through so many moments of feeling like giving up and gave me Hope. I encourage all who are feeling a little lost to read this talk. It will lift you up. 

Looking back at the whirlwind of a year we have had, and trials that are coming up against us currently, I can see Heavenly Father's hand in all of this. The good and the bad. He gives us these trials to stretch us, mold us and refine us. It makes those blessings so much sweeter. 

There is not a day that goes by that I am not overcome by the turn of events that lead us to Payton. I know we needed to experience certain things to be prepared for such a special little boy. I can tell he has a valiant spirit and we needed to learn things before he was brought into our family.

Heavenly Father truly is the master of our lives. He will continue to direct us if we let Him. Sometimes we can not understand why these things happen to us and it may be years and years before we ever know why. 

This I do know, He loves us and He will not forsake us. 

So grateful to know that.

Whatever comes, He will not leave us comfortless. 
John 14:18


The Einstein Kid

This kid LOVES baby Einstein. He hears the little start up music and crawls as fast as he can to get to the TV. It is so funny! I have to admit, I kinda love it too cause it is about the ONLY thing that will make this boy sit still so I can cook dinner or fold laundry. He is now standing on his own, not for very long... but I have a feeling we are in for it soon! My baby is growing out of being a baby... sigh.


Happy Easter!

I have loved all the "first" holidays of having a baby in our family. Easter this year was super busy, but super fun. We went to my parents ward and then down to my brother's for dinner and an Easter egg hunt with the girls. Payton was a trooper being carted all over the city and had a blast with his cousins. He is so busy now... crawling and getting into anything he can get his hands on and getting more and more handsome by the minute... check out those giant blue eyes!


Letters to Payton: Month Eight

Dear Payton,

I know I say this every month, but I can't believe you're already eight months old. Seriously. You are getting so big it just blows my mind. The other day I realized that you have to kneel on my lap now when you lean your head on my shoulder to go to sleep when not that long ago your feet didn't even hit my lap. Every time I lay you down to sleep, I just have to hold you for a little while when your head rests on my shoulder. No matter how busy I am and how many things I know I need to cram into those precious two hours I have while you nap, I just can't put you down quite yet. I just love holding your warm little body close and smelling your head and treasuring the rare moments of quiet with you.

You are just so much fun. You have such a fiesty little personality and you are the most determined baby I have ever known. You now clap, give five, repeat sounds back to us and you love to use your voice and sing at the top of your lungs. You are crawling and so active now. We can't let you out of our sight, even for a second. Your favorite time of day is when your dad gets home and he lays on the ground and lets you climb all over him. You just sit and squeal because you think you are so big. You also have grown a love for cars. At about 5:30-6 in the evening, I take you outside and we sit on the front porch and watch all the cars on the road. Every time a car passes you jump up and down and squeal with excitement. We get lots of laughs from the neighbors because of it.

You are seriously a HUGE flirt. Just the other day, we were in line at a store and there was a gaggle of pre-teen girls several feet behind us in line who oohed and ahhed when they saw you. You immediately turned on the charm and smiled and did all your tricks for them. You were in heaven with such a receptive audience. You love attention and try to catch the eye of anyone who's around. One of the cutest things you do these days is when you are in your car seat and you start to fuss until I reach back and hold your hand and then you place my hand on your cheeks and play with my fingers. It just melts my heart. It is a good thing you can't ask for stuff yet because I would be putty in your hand.

I love you, Payton. I tell you that several times a day and hope that you never doubt it. You are such a sweet boy and I just can't get enough of you. You are starting to have a preference about who holds you, and as annoying as it sometimes is that you cry when I put you down or hand you off, in the back of my mind I sort of love that you so clearly love me. It makes it all worth it when I pick you up and feel your little arms around my neck giving me a little squeeze.