Looking back

As mother's day is fast approaching I have so many mixed feelings about it. I am feeling anticipation for celebrating that I am finally a mother. 

Finally have that sweet baby that was meant for Geoff and I. Feeling gratitude that I am experiencing the greatest calling I will ever have. 

Pure joy, from sweet little Payton and the happiness he has added to our lives.

Yet, I have an emptiness in my heart for those that are still struggling with becoming a mother. My heart is breaking for those who have a desire yet do not have the means to have such a blessing yet.

For those who have yet to be married. Those who have yet to become pregnant. 

For those who may be waiting to adopt.

 Whatever the case, this holiday will always be bitter-sweet to me. I will always remember the pain & sorrow that you feel when you have such a righteous desire and do all in your power to reach and obtain that goal... and to feel so helpless and completely not in control.

Someone very close to me is going through exactly what Geoff and I experienced in becoming parents. It is so hard to watch her go through the motions of it all.

 It has brought back a lot of painful memories for me. 

Yet, in those moments speaking with this dear friend, I am so grateful I can show true empathy for her and to extend advise that nobody else could give unless they have been where I have been. 

Mostly, I am so completely grateful for the gospel.  It is cliche to say, but I really do not know where I would be without that guiding influence in my life.

This talk by Elder Uchtdorf is one that got me through so many moments of feeling like giving up and gave me Hope. I encourage all who are feeling a little lost to read this talk. It will lift you up. 

Looking back at the whirlwind of a year we have had, and trials that are coming up against us currently, I can see Heavenly Father's hand in all of this. The good and the bad. He gives us these trials to stretch us, mold us and refine us. It makes those blessings so much sweeter. 

There is not a day that goes by that I am not overcome by the turn of events that lead us to Payton. I know we needed to experience certain things to be prepared for such a special little boy. I can tell he has a valiant spirit and we needed to learn things before he was brought into our family.

Heavenly Father truly is the master of our lives. He will continue to direct us if we let Him. Sometimes we can not understand why these things happen to us and it may be years and years before we ever know why. 

This I do know, He loves us and He will not forsake us. 

So grateful to know that.

Whatever comes, He will not leave us comfortless. 

John 14:18