The "club"

It has been awhile since I have blogged about anything really substantial going on in our lives, maybe that is because I feel like we don't really have anything exciting or important to report. I feel like everyone wants us to share some exciting news... like "we are miraculously pregnant" or "someone picked us to adopt their baby". How I wish I had news like this to share. My heart is aching right now. Like serious gut wrenching pain. The end of September will mark 4 years of Geoff and I trying to have children. Sundays are my hardest days. Mostly because I look around and see all these cute young families at church, cute little pregnant women and I ache to be in their shoes. I ache to have that experience they are having. I want to be in that "club" of motherhood. I yearn for the day when I can attend church on Mother's day and hold my head high with pride because I am someone's mother and that is the most important calling in the world.

As you can tell, I am discouraged today and my heart is very heavy. Maybe that is because I feel like the only one in the world with these types of feelings, even though I know I am not. I know tomorrow will be better day and for that I am truly thankful.

I do NOT want to be bitter and i hope that is not how I am coming across I have been praying so hard to feel peace in knowing Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for Geoff and I. And by perfect, I mean that He is giving us these experiences to teach us and strengthen us. Someday I will understand why we are experience such growing pains.

The hardest part of all of this is the feeling of not being in control. We literally have to wait until someone choses us to start our family. I really get no say in WHEN that happens. That in and of itself is such a trial. I believe in adoption and I know how beautiful and amazing it can be. And if it does happen for us... I know this will all be part of His plan.

There really is no purpose in this post other than some sort of therapy for myself. Sometimes just writing my feelings down makes me feel better. I also know how many people are supporting Geoff and I through this and that gives me a sense of strength and peace. I feel so blessed with a great group of people who rally around us. Hopefully we will get some good news soon. One scripture that gets me through every single day is one that I have had memorized since I was in high school:

"Wherefore, be of good cheer and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you..." (D&c 68:6).